Vader Announces Death of Rebel Terrorist

According to the Galactic Empire Times:

CORUSCANT — Obi-Wan Kenobi, the mastermind of some of the most devastating attacks on the Galactic Empire and the most hunted man in the galaxy, was killed in a firefight with Imperial forces near Alderaan, Darth Vader announced on Sunday.

Suspected Rebel “Jer” Detained

In a related victory for the galaxy, another rebel was apprehended by a squadron in the Toronto region. The unsuspecting terrorist was taken without incident. Identified as “Jer“, the rebel was armed with a concealed hot dog wrapped in paper towel and a bag full of independently financed comic books.

He was also in possession of a 20oz bottle of Coca Cola, though he denies that he was the owner. He was recorded saying, “It’s not mine!! I’m hypoglycemic!.”

He is currently being detained at an undisclosed location and undergoing “questioning” in order to determine the whereabouts of other potential rebel terrorist cells.

With two historic victories in less than a single solar cycle, citizens of the Empire have reason to be proud.